so, this will probably be the last entry i'll write in a long, long, long time (as it is the last one required for class).  sorry to all those who wait with bated breath for each and every xanga rambling.

med-surg is almost done (by the way, this is DEFINITELY and end-loaded class...i'm getting kind of freaked out thinking about all that i have to do next week).  it went incredibly fast, in my opinion.  i can say without a doubt that i have gained a considerable amount of clinical knowledge and experience and i feel just a bit more prepared to be a nurse in the real world.

my specific, measurable goal toward godliness this semester has been choosing to control my attitude and emotions when i'm upset about something and act and speak in light of who God is (instead of allowing myself to be 'trapped' by the way i feel).  i've asked my roommate to help me in this area by keeping me accountable...when i start shutting myself off to her, she lets me know, and i-by God's strength-talk to her about what's making me upset instead of isolating myself and treating her like crap.  alissa says i've been much more intentional about controling my emotions since the beginning of the semester.  so, i'll take that as a sign that i'm at least not exactly the same person i once was and God really is making me more like his Son. 

i've also noticed the Holy Spirit's work in me in talking to my boyfriend on the phone.  when there's a problem (someone is hurt, we're talking about difficult stuff, etc.), i consciously think a lot more about allowing the Holy Spirit to free me from temptation to selfishly shut myself off.  i find myself praying more in my heart during our conversations, asking God to help me love ben and put him first.

so, sharon (the only one that reads this xanga site anyway), i hope you've enjoyed this little insight into my wicked and deceitful heart.  and reading a little bit about how God has been changing me over the course of the semester.

signing off (probably forever),

hot pants

oh, godliness...

i am so very far away from the godliness God commands of me.  living in light of the truth of who our God is can be difficult when you are caught up in the midst of your circumstances and the emotions they incite. 

two tuesdays ago from today was the most trying clinical day i've had thus far, for sure.  my first day with three patients...a million things to do and seemingly not enough time to get those things done.  a lot of mistakes-some small, others not so...sharon present for each and every mistake made.  haha. 

more importantly, my patients are people- highly valued and dearly loved by God.  i desire more than simply mastering the technical skills of nursing to love them as Christ would and point them towards Him.  i was frustrated at the end of the day, thinking to myself 'how can i possibly provide my patients with the spiritual care they need more than anything if i don't know what i'm DOING attempting to care for them physically?'.  here's where the whole 'living life in light of God's truth' comes into play.  if i truly believe that God has called me to be a nurse, do i trust Him to provide me with the means to do it?  do i believe that God cares for my patients infinitely more than i ever could?  do i believe that He is strong in my weakness?  if i answer yes to these questions, i have no reason to be anxious.  no reason to fear or to feel defeated.  because Christ is strong in me.  praise his name...

so, am i growing in godliness through my clinical experience so far?  i hope and pray that i am.

my anthem:  "Now may the God of all peace sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who calls you is faithful, surely he will do it."   

despite the early mornings...clincals have been great so far.  i picked mount carmel with sharon because i knew i would be stretched and challenged and pushed right into things, experiencing nursing first-hand.  i need that.  i desire to give really good holistic care to my patients...and if that desire is to be realized in the future, i have to commit to learning all that i need to know as a nurse right now as a student. 

sharon and my patients have been the most affirming people to have around...it means so much just to have someone smile at me and tell me i'm doing a good job and answer my questions without making me feel like an idiot.  i'm so blessed by that.  it makes me feel like i can keep going...

in other news...i've been thinking a lot about the specific commitment i made towards godliness in my emotional life and praying that God would help me to make the conscious decision to speak and act in light of who He is and who i am in Him when i am frustrated or hurt by people.  in testimony of God's grace, i have actually been increasingly aware of my own reactions when i find myself in situations like this...just a couple days ago, one of my friends and i were being selfish losers toward one another and in my head i was battling thoughts of self-righteousness and pride against "jen-who is your God?  what is He like?  what has He done for you?  how should you be acting right now because you know and believe these things?".  the biggest thing God has done for me recently has been reminding me of how present He is in everything, how much He cares for me personally, and the power He's given me by his Holy Spirit to have victory over sin.  our God is so gracious to allow us to see just a little bit of what He's doing in our lives...

wow...i apparently haven't entered this site since 2003??  just to give a little background, my dear friends alissa and ashley started a xanga site for me when i was a junior in high school (against my will) and filled its electronic pages with comment after comment about what great friends they are to me, signing as "jen", sometimes "fakejen", sometimes "fakejenashley"/"fakejenalissa", etc.  as a joke, don't worry.  i would occasionally post here and there just to placate them.  well, what to you know...now i'm required to have a xanga site for clinicals...which would require me posting on my xanga site.  which hasn't happened for 4 years.  so, for anyone who cares to read...enjoy the evidence of my losery youth below.

welcome back to xanga, real jen.

so who loves that i NEVER update?  i know i sure do.  havent had much computer lab time in school, and i just cant make it a priorty at home.  i guess i havent really caught the xanga bug yet - not like alissa and ashley anyway.  boy are they great friends.